Riverdale is Back - and So is My Headache

Can we just take a second to talk about the fact that VERONICA LODGE (CAMILA MENDES) CAN’T WALK IN HEELS?!

I mean, shouldn’t that have been one of the requirements? That she be able to strut confidently in heels and not wobble uncertainly? Is a high eyebrow arch, an ability to pretend drink Cristal and look good in guy’s t-shirt all that was needed? I mean, come on.

Now that’s off my chest, let’s address the ghoulish overkill that was oh so present in the Season 2 premiere of Riverdale.

Papa Andrews was shot at Pop’s and Archie (who doesn’t have a driver’s license – as questionable narrator, Jughead tells us) is driving his bleeding father to the emergency room. Archie is, obviously covered in blood and for some dramatic effect; his father who is bleeding badly leaves a bloody handprint on the side of the window. Once Papa Andrews is in the hands of professionals, Archie immediately phones his bestie – who by the way, is getting a version of the talk from her mother – and informs her of the situation. She in turn informs her beau who runs from the trailer and dramatically throws the wrap off his father’s bike. Yes, Jughead now rides a bike. Does Perfect Lil Betty approve? Well eventually, if we judge by that epic Bughead kiss we saw at the end.

Over the course of the episode, we see a blood/paint covered Archie panic about his father (but still have time for a little quickie in the shower), Veronica try to be a better girlfriend (which clearly involved some um shower comforting), Veronica accuse her mum of being somewhat involved in Papa Andrews accident, Jughead call in a favor from the Serpents (yup already!) which ends up very bloody (literally) and the Riverdale Four conclude that Papa Andrews was not simply a victim of a violent mug but a target.

Also a dramatic inclusion was Pops himself confirming Jughead’s theory that the mugger was much more than that, “…something else… like the Angel of Death had come to Riverdale”.  Talk about dramatic overkill.

While all that is happening, Papa Andrews is living in a world of his own where he experiences great moments with his son (which included a VArchie wedding where the men wore kilts!) only to violently die or be reminded that he is dead. I don’t know what this NDE alternate universe thing is but I can tell you this: I did not like it.

Yass Queen!

It definitely wasn’t all bad this episode. Cheryl finally made an appearance – wearing all white (with a little splash of soot) – and confidently strutting in those high heels unlike someone else we know. A little shockingly, Cheryl is lying about the fire and claiming it was caused by the wind causing a lit candle to fall on a curtain. She lies about this while threatening her badly burned mother to go along with her lies or die. Yes it was dramatic, but it’s Cheryl and I love that little psycho. I could watch her strut and serve hot fashion pieces while making people’s lives miserable for 3 hours. Also, she gave Papa Andrews the “kiss of life” just like Archie gave her. I mean who could forget Archie dramatically punching ice to prevent Cheryl from successfully committing suicide.

Also a ray of sunshine this episode, was that pleasant cameo by Mrs Grundy (Sarah Habel) who is in a different town, teaching another young hunk the ways of music and also giving him friendly goodnight tongue kisses. It was a ray of sunshine, until she got violently murdered by a masked person who could be the “Angel of Death” – with her own cello bow no less.

Meanwhile, Archie is determined to not submit to cowardice a second time and is standing watch with a baseball bat at his father’s house. Obviously he’s going to fall asleep but no one tell him that. And Papa Lodge is back!

 If you were wondering, that killer song playing when Veronica did that Judas kiss is Start a War by Klergy. Quite the suggestive song choice.

Summary:  Clearly, I have a love-hate relationship with Riverdale mostly because the show is sitting on so much raw potential, it makes my head hurt.There’s another mystery this season – the mystery of the “Angel of Death” – but just like the mystery of "who killed Jason Blossom", it’s one I don’t really care about. Would I watch the next episode? Yes. Would I still complain? You bet! This show could be so much better.

Riverdale Rizarre

Can we just agree that the fact Jughead is the narrator is a little weird? We hear his voice warning us of something and then we see him typing his novel which means what he’s typing is what we’re hearing, right? But at the time he’s typing, he’s not aware of the things he (Narrator Jughead) is talking about. So what is happening? Is there another entity out there with the voice of Jughead who sees and hears all? Is our Jughead from the future? These are important questions.