Heavy on dialogue, light on the plot; Midnight Mass is a religious horror mini-series by Netflix.

Midnight Mass is a horror mini-series written and directed by Mike Flanagan and if you’re already familiar with his work (like The Haunting) then you know not to expect jump scares or any scares at all, like in the case of Midnight Mass. What you will get are lengthy monologues about religion, what happens after death, addiction, and the increasing knowledge that you can back up any awful behavior with the Bible if you’re quoting out of context.


Midnight Mass has a pretty good rating - 91% on Rotten Tomatoes (they’re not exactly reliable) and 7/10 on IMDB. Even critics’ ratings are pretty positive with Rolling Stone calling it the most terrifying show on TV (lies) and one reviewer boldly declaring it the best new series of 2021.


While I won’t be running to give this show any generous awards or declarations, I did find it entertaining - when I wasn’t stumped by some very important questions like:


[Spoilers]


7. Why are these stray cats so phat?


In the first episode, we are introduced to very healthy stray cats who seem to be all over Crockett Island. No one feeds these cats and yet they look so well-fed which begs the question, what on Earth do they eat and why are there so many? Warren and Ooker say that the cats all came from the mainland but wouldn’t that mean that cats were sneaking onto a boat, on purpose? What horrors were they running from on the mainland?



And if we assume that one or two strays maybe accidentally snuck onto a boat that came to Crockett and they mated in a hunger frenzy with one particularly abandoned, fertile cat, what on vampire’s-earth did they eat to survive?


Can the cats fish? And if they can, shouldn’t the resident fishermen adopt them and use them as fishing helpers? I mean since they’re not exactly doing so hot since the oil spill.



6. What was the point of the snitching conversation?


The teenagers (Warren, Ooker, and Ali) who sneak out to smoke some weed and sip alcohol get into a back and forth with Ali (the Sherrif’s son, played by Rahhul Aburi) repeatedly asking him not to snitch on their little getaway. Their insistence and the show’s decision to focus on this scene make it look like it might come into play later.


It does not.


5. Who/what ate the cats and why?


After a storm hits Crockett Island, the inhabitants wake up to find all the stray cats dead, drained of blood and washed up on the bank. While Midnight Mass doesn’t exactly answer the question of who ate the cat, we can guess that it was the resident vampire/miracle worker or maybe Father Paul himself, dedicated not to feed on humans. If it is the vampire,  why would a powerful vampire listen to the weak monsignor and why did the cats end up washed ashore? Did someone try to hide the ‘crime’ by throwing their bodies into the water only for the water to spit it back up?



Quintin Bonsclair as the vampire/angel in Midnight Mass


4. What’s the vampire’s game?


Father Paul and his miracle of healing Leeza (Annarah Cymone) and Mildred (Alex Essoe)  was because he was feeding his congregation a concoction of vampire blood and blood of Christ (they’re both blood right so what difference does it make?) but why is the vampire cooperating with him?


Somewhere in Jerusalem where  Father Pruitt and the vampire/angel fatefully met, the vampire could have fed on lost wanderers like he fed on Father Pruitt and could have flown out at night and had a feast so why follow this man across the waters? Why listen to him when he says you shouldn’t feed on the townspeople? Why give him your blood? Why?


This unknown-aged vampire actually goes as far as donning a chasuble and dramatically walking down the aisle as part of a plot to turn the entire Island residents into vampires. Why be a part of this delusional Father’s charade? Why?


3. How did Leeza not keel over?


After Riley (Zach Gilford) spits on Father Paul’s faith during AA meeting by asking why his God allowed and allows Leeza’s life and spine to be ruined, Father Paul takes a bold decision and asks the wheelchair-bound Leeza to walk towards him for her communion.


And she does.


Without wobbling or keeling over.


This is someone who has been in a wheelchair for “years” (the show is a bit vague on how many). Regardless of how many ounces of energy drink a vampire’s blood contains, if you haven’t used your body part for a while, you can’t use it smoothly on the first try.


Hell after bingeing all seven episodes of this miniseries, I wobbled when I stood up for a glass of water.


We see her use a walking stick later like maybe the directors remember that yeah she shouldn’t be walking so smoothly and then later that night when she sneaks away for romantic rendezvous with Warren (Igby Rigney), we actually see her run.




2. Does no one in this town know the term ‘vampire’?


We know the winged blood-sucking creature is a vampire but the show never acknowledges it as such -  with Father Pruit choosing to call it an angel (because he’s trying to bamboozle his congregation) and the only Doctor on the island calling it a “contagion”, “a family of blood disorder”, “a virus, an enzyme”. Anything but what the creature actually is.


This is kind of expected from old and middle-aged people living in seclusion but teenagers? The series seems a little vague on the timeline but they do have mobile phones and laptops.


I expected one of them to whisper ‘vampire’ when that creature made its grand entrance. These teenagers don’t have novels about the supernatural? No Wattpad or Google? Never read any sexy stories about a century-old vampire lovingly grazing the fair and supple skin of an unwitting female with his fangs? No stories about Vlad Dracula Tepesh?


No?


Okay.




1. What’s the big idea, Father Paul/Monsignor Pruitt?


This entire plot is based on one character’s happy incident of getting killed and revived by a vampire and then choosing to share the gospel with his congregation and maybe the world. But upon further inspection, his motives (and the plot) kind of fall apart.


Turns out that Monsignor Pruitt didn’t do it for the love or soul of his congregation or to create “God’s Army”. He did it for his forbidden first love - Mildred Gunning - and their lovechild.


Which begs the question, why not just feed your first love the vampire blood and dip? Leave the Island or if you’re both attached to a dying island with 127 inhabitants, heal just her and live eternal life away from the world.


But nooooo, he had to feed half the town vampire blood - his actual plan was to feed the whole town but what would they eat? If the entire Island is filled with vampires and there are no stray cats and no pets (because that psycho woman killed literally the only pet on the island), what will you all eat?


Well, a bunch of starving and bloodthirsty vampires were going to get on a boat, sail to the island, and murder a bunch of very surprised mainlanders. No plan, no coordination, just Jesus and vibes. And um, Father Pruitt, how exactly are you all going to be God’s army or a tight-knit congregation if you’re all scattered across the land?


Verdict


Midnight Mass has the flesh of ‘deep’ dialogue but the bones of a mindless vampire story. A good-enough watch.


7/10